Top 8 Things I Can’t Wait to Teach My Kid

The Father Moobs blogs were originally posted in 2014 and 2015 on fathermoobs.com, a now defunct website where Dani (my wife) and I processed the upcoming arrival of our first baby. This post was published on that site:

I get to teach my kid stuff. How cool is that?

There’s this ignorant little person and I get to fill up his head with my ideas. I’ve always wanted to fill up someone’s head with my ideas. I’ve been trying to fill up your head with my ideas but you’ve already got ideas of your own. What I need is an empty head and I’m finally getting one.

Anyway, last night I couldn’t sleep cause I was thinking about it. This kid doesn’t know anything! So I made a list of the most important things I’ve gotta explain.Here’s a preview so you can see how the curriculum is shaping up.

8. How to Eat Eggs

You gotta stab the yolk and mop it up with toast. Dad showed me when I was 4. It was awesome. He said it’s how real men eat eggs and he had a beard at the time so I knew it was true.

7. How To Watch Football

You can’t sit on the couch like a turd. You gotta cheer like a crazed chimpanzee. You work yourself into a lather, you eat chicken wings till the sauce dribbles down your neck, you lean forward at the waist like the TV is a magnet, and you jump and scream whenever the refs call a penalty against the Buffalo Bills! Throw bananas if you have them; if not, chicken wings will suffice. Every year you have to believe the Bills can make the playoffs until they don’t. Then you can pick a team with a good quarterback to root for during the Superbowl. MiniMoob and I need Sammy Watkins jerseys.

6. How To Sing In the Car

First you gotta pretend the steering-wheel is a drum. You thump on it til the horn makes soft little chirps. (Dad showed me this trick!) Anyway, you rat-a-tat your thumbs on the steering wheel while the volume is  up and the windows are down and the heat is blasting cause the snowflakes are flying in the windows but you’re singing and drumming so loud it doesn’t matter. Dad showed me that trick too. And whenever a new oldie plays dad shouts out the title, the band, and what he was doing the summer it first came out. I loved ridin’ shotgun with dad and MiniMoob will too!

5.How to catch a baseball

You can’t hold your glove like you’re asking for candy. The ball shimmies up your arm and knocks you in the chin. Trust me. I know. What you do is, you hold it palm out like a high five. Thank you Coach Stonemetz. MiniMoob thanks you too.

4. How to be a friend

You pick for character, not flash. Mom taught me this. And once you pick you hang in there even if it’s tough. In other words, my kid might not be the most popular kid for a while. Until he and friends win the science fair and get their pictures in the paper. He’s still not gonna get a date out of it or anything.

3. How to Fight

You have to be passionate without being mean; you have to present without being defensive. Absolutely no sarcasm. It’s very tricky. Dani and I figured it out. You hold hands. You pace. But you never raise your voice in anger and you never leave the room. MiniMoob will probably need some patience. This kind of stuff takes hard work. Ya gotta learn how to feel your feelings before you learn how to express them well. He’ll probably have it figured out by like, 25, cause he’s gonna be way ahead of schedule.

2. How to Love People

You always look them right in the eye. You remember how they’re just like you when you get down to the bottom of it. You find something about them to relate to, or to be curious about. You dig after it as far as they’ll invite you in. And when you’ve gotten somewhere, you marvel at how unique they are and you try to help them see it too.

1. How to follow God

First, you gotta realize how amazing this whole world is. And then, you gotta realize how amazing you are. After that you gotta really believe it. And then you gotta wonder about it for a while. Finally, when you’ve done all that, you gotta realize how huge everything is, and how small you are inside of it, yet how spectacular. Once you figure out everything that implies it’s pretty easy to worship God, even if you don’t have everything else nailed down.

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