Last Saturday at 11:59am I awoke from a 10 hour peaceful slumber and decided “I wanna have a baby.” Maybe it was the 1 a.m. Chinese takeout or the mindless scrolling through baby pictures on Facebook during the wee hours of the night but either way, I knew it was time.
I announced my decision to Matt who was in the living room working on his blog. His reaction was happy alarm. Happy because he’s wanted kids for a year and alarmed because until that moment I’d always expressed my desire to have kids like my desire to have an appendectomy: an unexpected pain in the ass but once it’s over you’re glad you went through with it. My reasons were pretty logical, “kids are too much money! I need my 12 hours of sleep. How can I give my all to my job and a kid? What if we try and can’t?”
I knew my proclamation would warrant a LONG conversation with Matt because he would need to get to the bottom of WHY the change of heart. I love my husband more than anyone in the world and I am grateful for his desire and ability to dig and dig and dig into the depths of my heart and soul in order to pluck the teeny tiniest specks of truth and emotion that may or may not lie within. But sometimes I prefer to not ask why and just do. This is why we need each other.
Anyway, we began to dig. He was pretty sure it was because I felt more secure. I was pretty sure it was because my womb was getting dusty. He wondered if it was because we were optimistic about his writing. I wondered if it was because I’ve always wanted bigger boobs. We talked about the serious reasons and the not so serious reasons.
It was a good talk and at the end I found myself thoughtful. Why did I have a change of heart? I’m still terrified about the idea of being a mom. It’s such a big job. I usually think I can do anything and succeed. I use that philosophy to motivate myself to work hard and give something my best. Applying that philosophy to having kids doesn’t seem realistic. First, it’s a 24/7 job, you can’t succeed at something 24/7 can you? Second, kids aren’t goals you complete or tasks you accomplish, they are living, breathing, impressionable little beings that we would have the responsibility of nurturing, raising, and letting go of. How do you do that? (Shout out to my mom and dad, I think they did pretty good with me, but they sure had to give up a lot in order for that to happen.)
Once you take the plunge there’s no going back. It’s not like I could just wake up one day and decide not to be a mom anymore. I could decide not to be a musician, a student, a nurse, a friend, and really even a wife. But somehow, even in my wildest dreams, deciding not to be a mom after you already are a mom is not an option.
Maybe I’m not really ready if I’m thinking like this, but when will I be? What does it mean to be ready? All the practical things are lining up. I like my job, I like my husband, together we do OK financially, buying a house is on the horizon, and we have amazing friends and family to help us on the baby journey. What about the emotional part though? Can I still be a little afraid and unsure or do I have to be confident and certain before we get pregnant? All I know is that something inside me does want a baby, a little life to invest in, to cherish, to build memories with even if it means late nights, poopy diapers, and thankless years of sacrifice (Please remind me of this).
Right now we are taking it one day at a time. I started taking prenatal vitamins, planning a pre-pregnancy doctor visit, and of course we are practicing the baby making part so we can perfect it for when the time actually comes. It’s been a few weeks and the idea of getting pregnant in the next 6 months to a year hasn’t gone away which is ground breaking for me. Still there is a lot to talk about and think about and advice we could use. We shall see…